Critical Swine Flu Prevention Tip
Posted: April 30, 2009 Filed under: Funny, Image | Tags: DHS, economy, Environment, Environmental Impact, Health, Homeland Security Leave a comment »As a precaution regarding the current outbreak of the swine flu, also known as the H1N1 virus, the US Department of Homeland Security has issued the following critical swine flu prevention tip:
DON’T DO THIS:
Critical Swine Flu Prevention Tip
Interview with an Illegal Immigrant
Posted: April 24, 2009 Filed under: Funny | Tags: Constitution, economy, Immigration Leave a comment »Got this in an email. I’m unsure as to the validity of the actual comments, or even if it’s actually real, but it’s entertaining, at least.
Here is a REAL INTERVIEW with an illegal Mexican at a protest march in Texas . The reporter is trying to reason with an illegal Mexican named Juan. On the streets of downtown Houston , May 1, 2007. Jim Moore reporting for a Houston TV station:
Jim: Juan, I see that you and thousands of other protesters are marching in the streets to demonstrate for your cause. Exactly what is your cause and what do you expect to accomplish by this protest?
Juan: We want our rights. We will show you how powerful we are. We will bring Houston to its knees!
Jim: What rights?
Juan: Our right to live here…legally. Our right to get all the benefits you get.
Jim: When did you come to the United States ?
Juan: Six years ago. I crossed over the border at night with seven other friends.
Jim: Why did you come?
Juan: For work. I can earn as much in a month as I could in a year in Mexico .. Besides, I get free health care, our Mexican children can go to school free, if I lose my job, I will get welfare, and someday I will have the Social Security …… Nothing like that in Mexico !
Jim: Did you feel badly about breaking our immigration laws when you came?
Juan: No! Why should I feel bad? I have a right to be here. I have a right to amnesty. I paid lots of money for my Social Security and Green Cards.
Jim: How did you acquire those documents?
Juan: From a guy in Dallas . He charged me a lot of money too.
Jim: Did you know that those documents were forged?
Juan: It is of no matter. I have a right to be here and work.
Jim: What is the ‘right’ you speak of?
Juan: The right of all aliens. It is found in your Constitution. Read it!
Jim: I have read it, but I do not remember it saying anything about rights for aliens.
Juan: It is in that part where it says that all men have alien rights, like the right to pursue happiness. I wasn’t happy in Mexico , so I came here.
Jim: I think you are referring to the Declaration of Independence and that document speaks to unalienable rights not alien rights.
Juan: Whatever.
Jim: Since you are demanding to become an American citizen, why then are you carrying a Mexican Flag?
Juan: Because I am Mexican.
Jim: But you said you want to be given amnesty. To become a U.S. Citizen..
Juan: No. This is not what we want. This is our country, a part of Mexico that you gringos stole from us. We want it returned to its rightful owner.
Jim: Juan, you are standing in Texas . After winning the war with Mexico , Texas became a Republic, and later Texans voted to join the USA . It was not stolen from Mexico ..
Juan: That is a gringo lie. Texas was stolen. So were California , New Mexico and Arizona . It is just like all the other stuff you gringos steal, like oil an d babies. You are a country of thieves.
Jim: Babies? You think we steal babies?
Juan: Sure. Like from Korea and Vietnam and China . I see them all over the place. You let all these foreigners in, but try to keep us Mexicans out. How is this fair?
Jim: So, you really don’t want to become an American citizen then?
Juan: I just want my rights! Everyone has a right to live, work, and speak their native language wherever and whenever they please. That’s another thing we demand. All signs and official documents should be in Spanish. Teachers must teach in Spanish. Soon, more people here in Houston will speak Spanish than English. It is our right!
Jim: If I were to cross over the border into Mexico without proper documentation, what rights would I have there?
Juan: None. You would probably go to jail, but that’s different.
Jim: How is it different? You said everyone has the right to live wherever they please.
Juan: You gringos are a bunch of land grabbing thieves. Now you want Mexico too? Mexico has its rights. You gringos have no rights in Mexico . Why would you want to go there anyway? There is no free medical service, schools, or welfare there for foreigners such as you. You cannot even own land in my country. Stay in the country of your birth.
Jim: I can see that there is no way that we can agree on this issue. Thank you for your comments.
Juan: Viva Mexico !
Math Class over the years…
Posted: March 2, 2009 Filed under: Funny | Tags: economy, public education Leave a comment »Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a Set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, an inconsiderate, big-business logger makes $20 at the expense of nature. What do you think of this environmentally destructive way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the thuggish, inconsiderate logger heedlessly and wantonly cut down the precious, life-giving trees? There are no wrong answers if they do not support the brutal rape of the environment.
Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60.
Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es…
Little Red Riding Hood – A Politically Correct Fairy Tale
Posted: February 24, 2009 Filed under: Funny | Tags: Intelligence, Politically Correct Leave a comment »There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house — not because this was womyn’s work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident…
On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, “Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.”
The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”
Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way.”
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma’s nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch.”
From the bed, the Wolf said softly, “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”
Red Riding Hood said, “Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!”
“They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear.”
“Grandma, what a big nose you have — only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way.”
“It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear.”
“Grandma, what big teeth you have!”
The Wolf said, “I am happy with and what I am,” and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf’s apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding and the Wolf both stopped.
“And what do you think you’re doing?” asked Red Riding Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.
“Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!” she said. “Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can’t solve their own problems without a man’s help!”
When she heard Red Riding Hood’s speech, Grandma jumped out of the mouth, took the woodchopper-person’s axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
Posted: February 18, 2009 Filed under: Funny Leave a comment »
Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy…
The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Today’s Politics in Images
Posted: September 14, 2009 | Author: Darius | Filed under: Funny, Image, News Commentary | Leave a comment »